Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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