Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
