Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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