A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She announced her abortion via fbk
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
