if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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