pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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