Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
