I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Randomize
