Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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