My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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