it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
50% drunk capacity currently
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize