Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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