i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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