It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
