Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
