I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
