I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
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