did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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