Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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