We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
