i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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