Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
