dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
