I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I wear drunk well.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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