Apparently you make a good broom.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize