My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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