Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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