I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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