my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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