So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
