if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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