i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
