My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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