Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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