hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Randomize
