My room smells like vodka and shame
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
FUCK WHALES
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize