oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
