the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
