Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
