proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
