Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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