Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
