Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
