i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
