they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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