youre lurking in front of me
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
