he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
