So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
