My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
