I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
