turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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