he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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