I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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