if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
