every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
No subtext here. People are naked.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
