Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
