wanna go halves on a baby?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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