I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
